How EMDR Changed the Way I Felt About Myself in Dating and Relationships: A Therapist's Personal Experience

By Leah Aguirre Barnes, LCSW—Co-Owner of Cove Counseling Group and Certified EMDR Therapist

EMDR isn’t just about trauma

While Eye Movement Desensitization EMDR was originally developed to treat trauma and PTSD, it is an extremely effective modality in helping individuals who struggle with anxious attachment and low self-esteem. I am a testament to this.

I hit a wall with talk therapy

I was really struggling with dating and singlehood. I had a difficult time not internalizing my dating experiences and lack of “success.”

I had an amazing therapist who had helped me tremendously through so many difficult life experiences, stages and events (shout out to Danielle). But still, I couldn’t seem to overcome these deep rooted, negative core beliefs I had about myself: I’m too much, I’m not enough, I’m bad.

It was so frustrating because while I was so confident in other areas—work, friendships, family relationships—when it came to dating, I was constantly getting in my own way.

I could not separate myself from these beliefs. While I knew logically they weren’t true, they felt true in my body. This of course made dating so hard because even when things were fine with someone I was seeing, I was constantly in my head and in a state of distress worrying and overthinking every. single. thing.

So, I took the leap, and found an EMDR therapist (enter Kelly).

I was an EMDR therapist who had never done EMDR

I had been using EMDR for years with my own clients—I had seen the results. Yet, for some reason, I didn’t think I would necessarily benefit from it. In my mind, I had great parents (not perfect, but supportive and affirming), a mostly easygoing childhood and no “real” trauma, so it didn’t seem super necessary.

However, once I dove in it became quite clear that I had some sh*t I could benefit from processing and healing.

For example, I had pretty debilitating OCD as a child that made me feel very different from others and made life hard in various ways. It also resulted in some tough moments with my parents, who were trying their best to cope with and support a child who obsessed about their health and struggled with other intrusive thoughts that. Those experiences likely informed my adult attachment style.

There were also a few moments during middle school when boys commented on my body. Being objectified at age 13 absolutely contributed to my sense of self-worth and relationship with men.

So, yes, there was stuff I needed to work through. And guess what? It was a game changer.

EMDR helped me feel more secure in myself

While EMDR didn’t change the dating experience completely (I mean, how could it? Dating in the 21st century is rough for everyone involved.) it absolutely helped me feel more grounded and secure in myself. EMDR reinforced my inherent worth.

I felt more free to be myself and to express what I was thinking and feeling. I became more comfortable communicating my expectations and what I was looking for in a partner. And when things didn’t work out for whatever reason (which happens often while dating), it didn’t devastate me like it did before.

EMDR isn’t a quick fix—but it can be life changing

While EMDR isn’t a magic wand—it can’t change the current dating climate or culture—it can reinforce your resilience and self-worth.

It can help you heal unresolved attachment wounds and feel more connected to your authentic self.

It can help you feel more confident speaking up, setting boundaries, and reinforcing them.

It can help you develop greater self-trust and a stronger sense of inner knowing—which is crucial while dating and exploring new connections.

All of this allows you to date with more intention and confidence.

Looking for EMDR Therapy in San Diego or California?

If any part of my story resonates with you and you're ready to do some deeper healing, EMDR therapy can help you build self-worth, increase confidence, heal unresolved attachment wounds, and move toward a more secure attachment style.

At Cove Counseling Group, our team of EMDR therapists provides compassionate, evidence-based care for individuals struggling with trauma, anxiety, low self-esteem, and relationship challenges. Whether you're healing from past experiences or looking to feel more grounded and confident in yourself, we're here to support you.

We offer in-person EMDR therapy in San Diego and virtual EMDR therapy throughout California.

Schedule a free 15-minute consultation today—we can't wait to meet you!