5 Small Ways to Practice Self-Love When You're Used to Putting Yourself Last
Sometimes we forget to take care of ourselves.
Sometimes we lose sight of our own needs—especially when we've experienced complex trauma or were conditioned to be selfless or put everyone else's needs before our own.
Many of us learned, either directly or indirectly, that our worth was tied to our productivity or what we could do for others. We learned to be helpful, accommodating, independent, or "easy." While these strategies may have been adaptive and helped us navigate or survive difficult circumstances or dynamics in the past, they can also make it difficult to prioritize ourselves, ask for help, set boundaries, or believe that our needs matter in the present.
As trauma therapists, a large part of our work is helping clients identify and challenge those deep rooted, negative beliefs that may be keeping them stuck—beliefs such as "I'm not important," “I’m unworthy,” “I’m too much,” or "My needs don't matter.” Over time, these beliefs can crystallize into the way we see ourselves and the world around us, making it difficult to engage in the very things that help us feel grounded, fulfilled, and connected to ourselves.
While healing these patterns takes time, small acts of self-love and self-compassion can be an important place to start.
Start small and then work your way up. Here are 5 “small” acts of self-love you can do today
Drink Water and Have a Snack
If you haven't eaten or hydrated yet today, consider this your sign.
Taking care of your basic needs may seem simple, but it sends an important message to yourself: “I matter.” When we're used to prioritizing everyone else, even meeting our most basic needs can become an act of self-love.
Share a Thought or Opinion With Someone You Trust
Even if it differs from theirs.
Many people learn to stay quiet, minimize how we think and feel, or go along with what others want or think in order to avoid conflict or rejection. Practicing sharing your thoughts, preferences, and opinions reinforces the idea that your voice matters too.
Take up a little more space.
Practice Self-Compassion When You Make a Mistake
You are human, and you deserve compassion just like everyone else.
The next time you make a mistake, notice the urge to criticize or shame yourself. Instead, try responding the way you would to a close friend. Offer yourself a kind word, a gentle touch or hug or even a moment of humor.
Buy Yourself Flowers or a Small Gift
It doesn’t have to be pricey! (Try Trader Joes)
You don't have to wait for someone else to care for you, celebrate you, or make you feel special. Buying yourself flowers, your favorite coffee, or a small treat can be a simple reminder that you are worthy of care and attention.
Sometimes self-love looks like showing up for yourself in the same ways you would show up for someone you love.
Be Present With Yourself
Take a few moments to check in with yourself today.
Ask yourself:
”How am I feeling?” (emotionally and physically)
”What do I need in this moment?”
“What would support me today?”
You deserve the time and care you give to others.
And When You are Ready to Go Deeper, Therapy Like EMDR Can Help
Small acts of self-love can be powerful. They help us rebuild our self-worth and reinforce the belief that our needs matter.
But sometimes the challenge isn't knowing what to do—it's understanding why it feels so difficult to do it in the first place. That “stuckness” that is hard to articulate to others.
If you find yourself overfunctioning, people-pleasing, staying hyper-independent, and repeating the same patterns despite being highly self-aware and making your best efforts, there may be underlying experiences and beliefs driving those behaviors.
Therapy that focuses on healing the past—not just managing symptoms in the present—can help you understand where these patterns come from, process the experiences that shaped them, and begin living your life in alignment with who you are and what you want.
At Cove Counseling Group, we specialize in trauma-informed therapy for individuals who are ready to move beyond insight and create meaningful, lasting change. Our therapists utilize evidence-based approaches, including EMDR, parts work, and attachment-focused therapy, to help clients better understand themselves, heal old wounds, and develop a stronger sense of self-worth, self-trust, and connection.
You don't have to figure it out alone. When you're ready, we're here to help.
If you're a California resident and curious about what deeper healing might look like for you, including EMDR therapy in San Diego, schedule a free 15-minute consultation today.
We can’t wait to connect!
