How to Know if Your Relationship Is Healthy
by Leah Aguirre Barnes, LCSW
Many people wonder at some point in their relationship: Is this healthy?
They Google things like:
“Is this toxic?”
“Is this abusive?”
“Am I being gaslit?”
And let me tell you — if you are asking yourself any of these questions, your intuition is likely picking up on something important.
In my book, Is This Really Love?, I include the following relationship self-assessment. I encourage you to read through these prompts and ask yourself honestly: yes or no?
10 Prompt Relationship Self-Assessment
“I can be myself with my partner without fear.” Yes / No
“I can express my thoughts and opinions freely with my partner.” Yes / No
“I am comfortable communicating and expressing my needs to my partner.” Yes / No
“I can make mistakes around my partner without judgment.” Yes / No
“I feel accepted by my partner.” Yes / No
“I feel seen and heard by my partner.” Yes / No
“I can change my mind with my partner without consequence.” Yes / No
“I can set firm boundaries that will be respected by my partner.” Yes / No
“I can do things independently from my partner.” Yes / No
“I feel respected by my partner.” Yes / No
Reflecting on the health of your relationship
If you responded “no” to any of these prompts, consider this an invitation to turn inward and simply get curious.
It can be tempting to ignore yellow or red flags, especially when you care deeply about someone or want the relationship to work. But taking time to honestly reflect on your experience in the relationship can offer important clarity.
Pause and focus on your inner experience. Notice how you feel in your relationship. Pay attention to the needs that may be going unmet.
Sometimes this kind of reflection is difficult—especially when a relationship feels chaotic, confusing, or emotionally intense. When things feel unstable, many people stay focused on managing the relationship, fixing problems, or trying to keep the peace.
But clarity often begins with pausing.
Pausing long enough to ask yourself:
How do I actually feel in this relationship?
Do I feel safe being myself?
Are my needs being heard and respected?
Your experience matters. Taking time to slow down and listen to how you are feeling (emotionally and in your body) can help you better understand the health of your relationship.
Get More Support
If you’re looking for additional support, you don’t have to navigate this alone.
Talking through your experiences with a safe and supportive person or therapist can help you gain clarity and reconnect with your inner sense of safety and self-trust.
At Cove Counseling Group, our trauma-informed therapists support individuals who may be experiencing or recovering from emotional abuse, domestic violence, and other complex relationship dynamics, including coercive control, stalking, and psychological manipulation.
We understand that relationship harm is not always obvious or visible. Many people struggle with subtle but deeply impactful patterns that can leave them feeling confused, unsafe, or disconnected from themselves.
Our therapists are licensed in California and offer a supportive space to explore your experiences, strengthen boundaries, and reconnect with your sense of agency and well-being.
If you’re ready for support, we’re here to help.
